yesterday

so, the guy who molested my niece in april killed himself a few weeks ago.  he was the father of my youngest niece, and the funeral was held on her 5th birthday (june 15.)  but now i was told my stepfather locked her older sister in the room with him and watched porn with her.  i haven’t gotten all of the details of it, i have to talk to my cousin tonight.  i can’t even fathom that this could happen to a little girl twice.  two people she was supposed to love and trust?

“and when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me, shine on till tomorrow.. let it be”

my cousin was taken to the hospital last week to detox from the drugs, and she has been clean for about a week but will be going to two therapy sessions a week with random drug testing.  i’m so happy to say that she’s doing better.  i love her so much.

i got promoted.

it’s funny how the good mixes with the bad, how life really is this wave of ups and downs.  how all the cliche shit that people say is true.  how everyone can be so right and so wrong at the same time, that life is only balanced because it’s imbalanced.  the perfection is in it’s imperfection.   “there will be an answer, let it be..”

i would imagine that today would be one of the happiest days i’ve had in a while.  you see, i worked with this really disturbed woman for the past 8 months who made my life hell.  she was fired today and with her gone i could even be looking at a possible promotion, but i’m feeling instead just weird, distant, and emotionless– as usual.

i’m deborah, i’m 21. i think a person looking outside on me would describe me as an overall positive, generally happy person.  it’s not that i’m not happy, i’m just not happy, or sad, or mad, or any descriptive emotion.  i rarely feel any emotions other than.. anxiety, if that were one.  worry.  i’m not worried about anything now, but i don’t feel anything and i’d really, really like to cry.  i haven’t cried in a while, and i rarely cry but it’d be nice to have that feeling.  it’s cleansing, as is being able to write without anyone i know reading it.

i live with my cousin, her mother (my aunt), her husband, her daughter, and my boyfriend.  we’re for the most part a happy household, or we have been until the past few months when my younger cousin, who is only 17, decided to pick up a heroin habit.  the household is in denial of how bad the situation is.  they think she’s only taking pills like oxycontin and roxycodone, but what they don’t realize is that she is crushing these pills up and injecting them.  she also has an affinity for snorting xanax, which is what she did today.  when she shoots up the pills, she just kind of sits in her room and watches tv.  when she snorts the xanax she’s a raging asshole and everything that comes out of her mouth is twisted, mean, and angry.  so today she’s fighting with her mother and i’m sitting quietly in my room trying not to listen to her screaming.

i can’t tell anyone she shoots up because i promised her i wouldn’t.  people on the outside say i should tell her mother, but i feel like her mother should know.  she’s always wearing jackets, but i think know her mom is just in denial.

drug abuse is pretty common in my family.  my father was a heroin addict, now he’s just an alcoholic who likes to abuse prescription medications, my mother is an alcoholic, my sister is an alcoholic and my other sister isn’t an alcoholic but she’s so fucked up because of everything that happened to her in her life.  my boyfriend is also an alcoholic, he tells me that he drinks so much at night because he can’t sleep, but will not admit that having 6+ beers a night is alcoholism.  i have my own habits, though.  i’ve recently picked up smoking, and have the occasional joint here and there.  i enjoy taking pain pills and even popping a xanax once in a while.   i drink when i go out, but i hate being hungover, and i hate the way alcohol makes me feel unless i’m at a club or a party.  as i write this, i think i’m realizing that it’s probably a good idea that i didn’t have children based on family history.

i do honestly feel that i’m not alone in this, i know there millions of families like mine.  i think they are good people for the most part, though lately i’ve been feeling differently towards my mother.

my oldest neice recently got molested by my sister’s psychotic ex boyfriend, and when i was talking to her mother about it she mentioned that she had been molested by one of my mother’s boyfriends when we were growing up.  she said that when she first told my mother, that my mom said it was a “misunderstanding” and not to tell anyone.  well, he molested her again, and when she told my mother again my mom told her that she would keep him away from her just not to tell anyone and that if my sister told she would kill herself.  she stayed with the man that touched my sister.  no wonder i can’t remember the majority of my childhood.  i don’t know how to deal with knowing that about my mother.

i love my mother so much but as i’ve gotten older i’ve learned these awful things about her, it makes me not want to trust her.  it makes me doubt the type of person i’ve always thought of her to be.  she tells me that i’m her heart and her favorite baby.  i think i’m her heart because she thinks that i don’t know about what she’s done in the past, and for a while she did a good job of shielding it from me.  i hate knowing.

i’m not upset as i write this, i’m just talking.  i feel absolutely no emotion, but i think it’s a natural defense mechanism.  i was hoping that if i wrote this i’d be able to cry, but it’s not happening.